Twas the night before Christmas,
and boy was it neat.
The kids were both gone,
and my wife was in heat.
The doors were all bolted,
the phone off the hook,
It was time for some nooky,
by hook or by crook.
Momma in her teddy
and I in the nude,
Had just hit the bedroom
and reached for the lube.
When out on the lawn
there arose such a cry,
That I lost my boner,
and momma went dry.
Up to the window
I sprang like an elf,
Tore back the shade
while she played with herself.
The moon on the crest
of the snowman we'd built,
Showed a broom up his ass,
clean up to the hilt.
When what to my wondering
eyes should appear,
But a rusty old sleigh
and eight mangy reindeer.
^
With a fat little driver,
half out of the sled
A sock in his ear
and a bra on his head.
Sure as I'm speaking,
he was high as a kite,
and swerving and swaying
to just stay upright.
Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole,
whoa Stupid, whoa Putz,
Either slow down this rig
or I'll cut off your nuts.
Look out for the lamp post,
and don't hit the tree,
Quit shaking the sleigh,
'cause I gotta go pee.
They cleared the old lamp post,
the tree got a rub,
Just as Santa leaned out
and threw up on my shrub.
And then from the roof
we heard such a clatter,
As each little reindeer now
emptied his bladder.
I was donning my jocked,
to cover my ass,
When down the chimmney
Santa came with a crash
^
His suit was all smelly
with perfume galore,
He looked like a bum
and smelled like a whore.
"That was some brothel,"
he said with a smile,
"The reindeer are pooped,
and I'll just stay awhile
"He walked to the kitchen
for himself poured a drink,
Then whipped out his pecker
and pissed in the sink
I started to laugh,
my wife smiled with glee,
The old boy was hung
nearly down to his knee.
Back in the den,
Santa reached in his sack,
But his toys were all gone,
and some new things were packed.
The first thing he found
was a pair of false tits,
The next was a handgun
with a penis that spits.
A box filled with condoms
was Santa's next find,
And six pair of panties,
the edible kind.
^
A bra without nipples,
a penis extension,
And several more things
I shouldn't even mention.
A fuck ring, a G-string,
and all types of oil,
And a dildo so long
that it lay in a coil.
"This stuff ain't for kids,
Mrs. Santa will shit,
So I'll leave 'em here,
and then I'll just split.
"He filled every stocking
and then took his leave,
With one tiny butt plug
stuck under his sleeve.
He sprang to his sleigh,
but his feet were like lead,
Thus he fell on his ass
and broke wind instead.
In time he was seated,
took reigns of his hitch,
Saying,"Take me home, Rudolf.
This night's been a bitch!"
The sleigh was near gone
when we heard Santa shout,
"The best thing about pussy is
you can't wear it out!!
M E R R Y C H R I S T M A S
