Actual Newspaper Headlines

* Grandmother of eight makes hole in one

* Deaf mute gets new hearing in killing

* Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers

* House passes gas tax onto senate

* Stiff opposition expected to casketless funeral plan

* Two convicts evade noose, jury hung

* William Kelly was fed secretary

* Milk drinkers are turning to powder

* Safety experts say school bus passengers should be belted

* Quarter of a million Chinese live on water

* Farmer Bill dies in house

* Iraqi head seeks arms

^

Some become unintentionally suggestive:

* Queen Mary having bottom scraped

* Is there a ring of debris around Uranus?

* Prostitutes appeal to Pope

* Panda mating fails - veterinarian takes over

* NJ judge to rule on nude beach

* Child's stool great for use in garden

* Dr. Ruth to talk about sex with newspaper editors

* Soviet virgin lands short of goal again

* Organ festival ends in smashing climax

^

Grammar often botches other headlines:

* Eye drops off shelf

* Squad helps dog bite victim

* Dealers will hear car talk at noon

* Enraged cow injures farmer with ax

* Lawmen from Mexico barbecue guests

* Miners refuse to work after death

* Two Soviet ships collide - one dies

* Two sisters reunite after eighteen years at checkout counter

^

Once in a while, a botched headline takes on a meaning opposite from the one intended:

* Never withhold herpes from loved one

* Nicaragua sets goal to wipe out literacy

* Drunk drivers paid $1,000 in 1984

* Autos killing 110 a day, let's resolve to do better

^

Sometimes newspaper editors state the obvious:

* If strike isn't settled quickly it may last a while

* War dims hope for peace

* Smokers are productive, but death cuts efficiency

* Cold wave linked to temperatures

* Child's death ruins couple's holiday

* Blind woman gets new kidney from dad she hasn't seen in years

* Man is fatally slain

* Something went wrong in jet crash, experts say

* Death causes loneliness, feeling of isolation