YOU KNOW YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING WAY TOO MUCH COFFEE WHEN . . .

* Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.

* You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.

* You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit.

* The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.

* The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.

* Your so jittery that people use your hands to shake paint cans.

* Cocaine is a downer.

* You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.

* Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.

* Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.

* When you call radio talk shows, they ask you to turn yourself down.

* Your life goal is to amount to a hill of beans.

* You channel surf faster without a remote.

* You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar."

* You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.

* You can outlast the Energizer bunny.

* You short out motion detectors.

* Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.

* You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.

* You help your dog chase its tail.

* You're up to four heart attacks a day.

* Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyd's of London.

* You introduce your spouse as your coffeemate.

* You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation."

* Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.

* You think Columbia would be a great vacation destination!

* You're passing everybody on the freeway when you suddenly realize: you left your car at home!